3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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