You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
