My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
