Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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