I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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