he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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