So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
