Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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