Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
