Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
