i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
