Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
