is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wish my penis had a tongue
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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