Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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