She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
