you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
