my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My bed smells like the plague
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
