Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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