omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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