Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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