How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
