So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
false alarm. still invincible.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
