Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
