i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I cannot find my penis.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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