I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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