Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
