That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
