I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
