grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
