yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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