Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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