i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
