You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
