I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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