It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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