I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
