The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
