not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
