I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
