True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
