On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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