I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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