Your mouth is God's brothel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he thought i was a dude.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
