please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
