i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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