yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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