I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
