We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
