meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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