nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
