I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize