he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
