i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
