My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize