WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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