This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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