Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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