apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
They left me at home... I'm a liability
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
