I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
