Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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