It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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