Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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