Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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